Living with an Invisible Illness

I wanted my first post to be funny, light, and pleasant but let's face it--- that's not always how life goes. A few days ago, one of my very best friends [in the blog world and in real life] from Revision Makes Perfect, Melissa or as I like to call her- Mel-Bell, wrote a blog that hit home for me concerning chronic illness. 

She is the opposite from me. She doesn't have a chronic illness or suffer from mental illness. Instead, she is the spouse [and recently married spouse] to someone who suffers from chronic illness. In the beginning of her blog, she wrote something that made me cry:

"Yep, you read that right. I have two spouses.
One of my spouses makes me laugh whenever I'm around him whether I am mad or sad. He is an amazing person with a big heart, especially for animals. He likes the Ninja Turtles and can give you a whole explanation why the new Star Wars movies are horrible compared to the old ones ("They're classics!") And without a doubt, he is the strongest person I know.


My second spouse is mean and he is relentless. He hates pizza and salad, and is very picky with any other foods he eats. He can turn any day into a bad one and will even attack in public. The worst part is my first spouse and I have to deal with him for life."

This was hard to read. Because this was me. This is what my husband has lived with for 7 years, that only seems to grow worse as my chronic illness gets worse [I have Fibromyalgia]. Not only do I have the fibro, but I have the mental crap on top of it [major depression, anxiety, PSTD] which tends to be fueled when my fibro is flaring. Her post shows the side that those of us with Chronic illnesses don't realize... I hate to say we are wrapped up in our issues, because it isn't easy to function or live with it, but let's face it we are. All we can think of is how we are going to make it through the day without once wishing it would all just end. We can only think of how much of a burden we are on those who love us, especially the ones who chose to marry us [some knowing about these illnesses, some with no idea the illnesses would later strike in years to come]. Our joy is taken away from us and often times we don't realize [or appreciate] the toll it takes on our husbands and wives and our children. We become so self-absorbed in getting through each day that we don't realize that we aren't the only ones suffering. They may not feel the physical pain or feel the mental sickness we feel from chronic and mental illness, but they feel the emotional pain. They feel the helplessness that we often feel about ourselves. They feel guilty for being angry at us when we take all our pain and frustrations out on them. 

We never get better. There may be days where we struggle less than others, but there is no cure. Not from Crohn's like Melissa's husband struggles with, not for Fibro or mental illness like I struggle with, or anything of the like. Yes, medications exist that can make symptoms less- but it never goes away... and generally the side-effects are worse than the "help" it is supposed to give. 

It is hard to see us angry and depressed- wishing we could just fade away into the distance. It is difficult to understand what we are living through. It is difficult to love us through it. We do NOT choose to be this way, I know I don't want to. I know i'd give anything to go one single second of a day without my body screaming in pain, without my mind trying to make me hate myself and my life. I wish I could be different, as I'm sure many who suffer like me do, but that is not how it works. We need understanding and love. We need people to find our flaws worth the fight and for people to love us anyway. 

To those of us like Melissa, to my husband Robert, and so many others that take the brunt of our frustration, we can never thank you enough for your sacrifice, for loving us even when we hurt you, for never giving up on us- even when that would be the completely sane choice to make. We can never repay you for all you do....

To Rob & Melissa:

Rob: 7 years you have loved me through my highs and lows. Two years ago when I got my Fibro diagnosis, you encouraged me. Every day I am in pain or depressed and feel like life just isn't worth it anymore, you find the words to push me through. I can never thank you enough for the love and support. For the mental exhaustion you must sometimes face because i'm so angry with my mind and body. You are why I can fight each day and push through when I can't find it within myself to go on another second. I don't know what I could ever do without you! I love you with every beat of my heart 

Melissa: you and I have been friends for nearly 6 years. You have been there when people have come and gone because most just couldn't handle who I am and what I go through on a day to day basis. You have put up with things about me I don't even want to put up with myself. You never ever judge me, you support me even when I don't deserve it, and you are always empathetic, forgiving and supportive of me getting "better". NO ONE has been there like you have except for Robert. No one has stuck around long enough to discover how good I can actually be. On the good and bad days, you have been there. You have known just what to say to make it all seem okay. You are by far the definition of a REAL FRIEND and there is no one else out there aside from Rob who just "GETS IT" the way you do. You know when to say what I need to hear, and you know when to just be silent and love me through it. I am so beyond blessed to have you and thank you for accepting me as a whole, and not just the parts that you find suitable. You not only support sean, who you chose to marry knowing all of his invisible illness strifes, but you have chosen to support me as a friend as well, even when I took my anger and frustrations out on you too. There have been so many times you have forgiven me for being cruel and unrelenting in my rage because you knew it wasn't me... and i'll never ever forget that. I love you.